Christ 2R Culture

Be Quick To Listen And Slow To Speak

May/15/2023 11:37 AM Filed in: CrossWinds | Culture
We are a society of talkers. The average person speaks 20,000 words a day. When we add in our postings on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media platforms — where we have a potential audience of hundreds to thousands — it is obvious that we are a society that likes to talk.

Everyone is looking for an opportunity to build their audience. We are looking for more followers on the Internet. While we are looking for more opportunities to speak, this has led to many of us losing our ability to listen. Our inability to listen is part of what has made our society a culture where we shout at one another instead of caring about one another. Our inability to listen shows up in a variety of ways.

  1. We are impatient in conversations. When in a conversation, we wait for the person speaking to pause. We really don’t care what they have to say. We just want an opportunity to inject our thoughts. We are more interested in having the opportunity to speak our own words than in humbling ourselves to be quiet and listen to someone else’s words.
  2. We pretend to listen. This happens when we are in a room with a large group of people. As we converse with someone, we are sort of listening to them, but we are not really listening. We nod our heads, saying, “Yes,” or “Really,” but our eyes are fixed over their shoulder. We are scanning the room for a better conversation with a more interesting human. We are looking for a way to escape. The bottom line is that we are not listening. We really don’t care about the person in front of us because what they have to say doesn’t interest us.
  3. We are polite but not listening. This happens when we meet someone and hear their name, but we don’t take the time to learn their name and remember what was important to them. We don’t take the time to write their name in the note app on our phones or on a pad of paper. The next three times we meet the person, we still don’t know their name because we didn’t care enough about them to try and remember them and their story. There is nothing wrong with asking someone if you can write their name on the notepad of your phone and telling them you are doing that because you want to be sure to remember their name the next time you meet. That is what people who are actually listening are sure to do.
The Bible tells us it is important to develop the skill of listening. Good listening helps us love people and avoid conflicts. Proverbs 18:12 tells us that a fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion. James 1:19 tells us that every person should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

How can we become better listeners? Here is some practical advice.

  1. Focus on listening to what people say before giving your opinion. Too often, we fail to concentrate on what people are saying, especially at work or at home. Because we don’t listen well, we jump to rash conclusions about what people think and spark a conflict. It is when we focus on listening well and asking good questions that we can begin to understand the reason behind people’s words. We can better understand what drives people to say what they say, especially if it makes no sense to us. This helps us avoid overreactions and rash words. As it says in Proverbs 18:13, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
  2. Don’t go numb in a conversation. Sometimes when we are listening to people, especially if they are incessant talkers, a mental fog drifts in. We stop listening as our mind drifts to more exciting subjects, such as what we will have for lunch. In a conversation, when we start drifting and dreaming, we stop listening and caring. The human mind can process information four times faster than a person can talk. Sometimes we have to intentionally refocus on the person and the conversation in front of us. If other people sense we have mentally checked out, that communicates that we don’t care about them and their problems.
  3. Maintain regular eye contact. Look the person in the eye when they are speaking. This helps us listen better. It tells people they are important and that we are interested in them. Lean forward toward the person. That shows interest. Try to use soft facial expressions. A distracted or angry look can shut down conversations and lead to misunderstandings.
  4. Don’t get irritated, especially if someone says something you don’t like. If someone says something hurtful about you or about someone close to you, stay calm. Don’t get defensive, that shuts down the conversation and cultivates a quarrel. Start asking questions about why someone feels the way they do. A good listener can stay calm and dispel conflict.
  5. Don’t let profanity get under your skin. If you find yourself in a profanity-laced conversation, don’t let the hurtful words spoken against you repel you. Stay calm. Refuse to return the insult. Ask good questions about why someone is upset. Listen. I am not justifying the use of profanity. The Bible tells us to let no unwholesome words come from our mouths. I am simply reminding us not to let someone’s profanity shut down our ability to listen. Refuse to yell, cuss, and get upset in return. Many times someone's use of profanity is intended to stir up a conflict. When we refuse to step into those conflicts but instead use gracious words as we seek to listen and ask questions, we can diffuse a ticking time bomb of seething anger just waiting to explode.
  6. Agree with someone as much as you can. This is an important tactic for good listening, especially in unpleasant conversations. In a conflict, agree with someone as much as you can. We can say phrases such as, “I understand why you are upset” or “I understand this change is hard for you.” In a conflict, the more common ground we can create with someone, the better off we will be. Showing someone we agree with them and their hurt feelings as much as we can lets them know you are listening. It shows them you care about them and their feelings, even if you can’t agree with them on everything else.
There are times to stand up for the truth or speak out against injustice. To not speak in those times would spell cowardice. But over the span of our life, it is more important for us to become better listeners than outspoken talkers. As it says in James 1:19, “Let us be slow to speak and quick to listen.”

(Written for the Dickinson County News May 15, 2023)
blog comments powered by Disqus