Christ 2R Culture

How Do I Work With Difficult People In A Difficult World?

August/31/2024 12:40 PM Filed in: CrossWinds | Culture
There is no shortage of conflict. The evening news features conflict at home and wars abroad. Everywhere we look, people can’t agree. Sometimes, we can avoid difficult people, but many times, we can’t. How should we handle the conflicts we can’t ignore? Here are five bits of wisdom from the book of Proverbs on working with tough people.

  1. Learn to avoid arguments. Getting into an argument doesn’t take wisdom. Any fool can do that. It takes wisdom to stay out of arguments. Once an argument begins, each side digs in their heels. Willingness to hear someone else’s point of view and change one’s heart becomes almost impossible. When we start to argue, the reason for the argument is quickly superseded by the hostility experienced. Proverbs 17:14 says, “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam, so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” Arguments always go farther than we want and cause more damage than we expect. We can relate to this with the spring flooding. Once a dam is breached, the water erodes more of the dam, letting more flood waters through until incalculable damage is done and the floodwaters are impossible to stop. Isn’t that a good picture of what happens when we argue? Wisdom reminds us that we should turn away from arguments, rather than lean into them.
  1. Learn to keep my emotions under control. Proverbs 15:18 reminds us that “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” Controlling our emotions under pressure doesn’t come naturally. Everyone can think of sarcastic, defensive comments once they are hurt. The problem is when we open our mouths, we say and do things we regret when we get emotional. While we may quickly forget the razor-sharp words we spoke once we calm down, those on the receiving end of our verbal slashes find it harder to move forward. Relationships can be like a game of Jenga. In Jenga, the tower of blocks starts strong, but as blocks are pulled out of the base, the tower becomes increasingly unstable, until it falls. That is a good picture of what happens in relationships when we get emotional. Each time we have an outburst, a block is pulled away, making a marriage or friendship increasingly fragile until it collapses.
  1. Remember, it takes two to start an argument but only one to stop it. In premarital counseling, I remind couples that when someone in the marriage gets upset, you do not need to raise your voice at them when they are hot under the collar with you. In your marriage, if you commit to never raising your voice at your spouse, you will never have an out-of-control argument in your home. In premarital counseling, I remind men that their job, as the head of their home, is to be a relational thermostat, not a thermometer. A thermostat sets the temperature in the room. When things get hot, it turns on the air conditioning to keep things cool. A thermometer responds to the temperature in the room. When the temperature in the room goes up, it goes up. Be a relational thermostat, not a thermometer. To stop an argument, it only takes one person committed to staying cool.
  1. Learn to ignore insults. Proverbs 12:16 tells us, “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a wise man overlooks an insult.” Don’t be shocked when someone insults you or runs you down, behind your back or even to your face. We live in a sinful world with sinful people. Let insults be like water running off a duck’s back. Don’t let them soak in and cripple your heart. Also, don’t let insults become justification for violence or verbal retaliation. Learn to ignore insults. If there is truth in a harsh word spoken against you, learn what you can learn. Keep the wheat, discard the husk, and then move on. I have found that those who say the most vicious things are often dealing with heart issues far more severe than the person they are attacking. If they were emotionally healthy, they would never say the ugly words they say and do the vicious things they do.
  1. Learn to separate methods from motives. Realize that many times people try to do the right thing. They just do it the wrong way. Have you tried telling a joke to get a laugh, only to have it fall flat on its face? If you had that experience, you know the importance of separating methods and motives. Your motives were good, but your method of delivery failed. Learn to trust the hearts of people around you. Assume they meant the best, but what they said or did came across wrong. This is especially true if they are fellow Christians who have the same Holy Spirit in their heart as you do. It reminds me of my cooking. My wife is a great cook. (I wish you could try her lasagna!) My cooking only vaguely resembles food. On evenings when I make dinner for the family, it isn’t uncommon for her to look at the charred hamburgers on her plate, and then pause to collect her feelings. A few moments later the smile returns and she says, “I know you meant well.” Since she can distinguish between methods and motives, my overcooked burgers give her a laugh instead of rolling her eyes in disgust.

This week, we will find ourselves in difficult situations with difficult people. When things start to get hot, what will we do? Will we remember to avoid an argument? After all, any fool can get into one. Will we remember that starting an argument is like breaching a dam? Arguments always take us farther than we want to go and cause more damage than we expect. Will we control our emotions under pressure, instead of getting loud and pulling another Jenga block out of a relationship with someone we care about? When things get hot, will we remember to act like a thermostat and keep cool under pressure rather than being a thermometer and getting hot? Will we wisely ignore insults? Will we separate people’s methods from their motives and assume they meant the best, not the worst? We live in a difficult world with difficult people. Thankfully the book of Proverbs gives us some wisdom on how to handle them.

(Written for the Dickinson County News August 31, 2024)
blog comments powered by Disqus